Talking about consent with your children can feel awkward and daunting, but it’s a conversation that shouldn’t be avoided. This guide, informed by a sex therapist, will equip you with the tools to have open and ongoing discussions about consent throughout your child’s development.
Your Guide: Dr. Nan Wise
Dr. Nan Wise, a registered sex therapist and expert in human sexuality, sheds light on the concept of consent. She defines it as a “conscious and unambiguous decision” regarding physical contact or activity. Consent must be freely given, without pressure, and can be withdrawn at any time. It can be expressed verbally (saying “yes”) or nonverbally (through body language like a nod or thumbs up). However, Dr. Wise emphasizes the importance of clear communication, as body language can be misinterpreted.
What Doesn’t Count as Consent?
There are several situations that do not constitute consent, according to Dr. Wise:
- Consent for one thing doesn’t mean consent for everything.
- Physical resistance without a verbal “no” doesn’t equal consent.
- Flirting or revealing clothing is not consent.
- Enjoying an activity doesn’t automatically mean consent.
- Consent can be withdrawn at any point.
Tailoring the Conversation to Your Child’s Age
The key is to have this conversation repeatedly as your child grows, adapting it to their age and understanding.
- Young Children:
- Teach them body autonomy and the correct names for body parts.
- Emphasize that friends and family should respect their boundaries.
- Encourage them to tell a trusted adult if someone tries to touch them inappropriately.
- Start these conversations early, focusing on bodily autonomy and independence.
- Elementary and Middle School Students:
- Continue reminding them about respecting boundaries in different situations.
- Explain that hugs from family and friends are okay, but not mandatory, while embraces from strangers are not okay.
- Roughhousing is alright as long as everyone involved agrees and enjoys it.
- Teenagers:
- The conversation becomes more nuanced. Address sexism and misogyny, dismantling myths like “men always want sex” or “women control sex.”
- Focus on healthy, respectful interactions by clarifying the consent process.
How to Ask for Consent
Dr. Wise suggests simple, direct phrases like “Can I…?” or “Do you want me to…?” Carefully listen to the response. Teenagers should be encouraged to pay attention to their partner’s comfort level and check in frequently. “If someone says yes but seems uncomfortable, check in again,” advises Dr. Wise.
Why Talk About Consent?
Open communication about sex empowers children to develop healthy boundaries and make informed decisions. Talking about consent early normalizes the conversation and allows children to feel comfortable discussing concerns.
Building a Foundation for Healthy Relationships
Discussing consent is an ongoing process. By starting early and fostering open communication, you’ll help your children understand and respect their own boundaries, as well as those of others. This sets the foundation for healthy relationships throughout their lives.
