Ever find yourself looking back on your choices, wondering what could have been? Whether it’s a career you didn’t pursue, a relationship that faded, or a parenting moment you wish had gone differently, regret is part of the human experience. But as tough as it can be, regret doesn’t have to be a burden. In fact, as psychologist Robert Leahy explores in his new book, If Only…Finding Freedom from Regret, regret can actually be a helpful guide, steering us toward a more thoughtful, fulfilling life.
Regret can take many forms—over things we did (like speaking out in anger) or things we didn’t do (like missing an opportunity). According to research, the most common areas of regret involve education, career, romance, and parenting. These are the aspects of life that impact us deeply, and so they often stay with us. Culture plays a role in shaping our regrets, too. In more individualistic societies, people often regret choices related to personal achievement. In more community-focused cultures, regrets tend to center around relationships. There are also gender differences: women often experience more regret over relationships, while men tend to regret inaction.
Despite the sadness or guilt that may come with regret, it’s actually one of the most constructive negative emotions. Regret teaches us. It reminds us to be more cautious, kinder, or to take chances when they arise. For instance, if you regret how you behaved at a party, you might think twice before repeating it. Similarly, regretting a missed opportunity might encourage you to act differently when another chance comes along.
Not everyone experiences regret in the same way. Some people find it harder to move on or learn from their regrets. According to Leahy, some factors that increase regret’s impact on us include difficulty tolerating ambivalence, cognitive biases that distort perspective, fear of “buyer’s remorse,” having too many choices, and perfectionism. If you struggle with uncertainty, you might avoid making difficult decisions, which can lead to future regrets. Cognitive biases, like negative thinking or catastrophizing small setbacks, can intensify feelings of regret. Worrying about how you’ll feel about a decision in the future can also prevent you from acting, ironically increasing the potential for regret. Additionally, having too many choices can lead to regret about which option was best, while striving for perfection can set you up for disappointment when reality doesn’t align with your ideals.
The good news is that regret doesn’t have to lead to endless self-blame. In fact, Leahy’s advice offers us a way to harness regret for positive change. One approach is to challenge “what if” thinking. We often assume life would have been perfect if only we’d chosen differently, but that’s rarely true. Instead of getting stuck on “what might have been,” focus on what you can control now. Balancing negativity with positivity is also crucial. Regret often blinds us to what’s good in our lives, so practicing gratitude, even for small things, can help shift focus from regrets to current blessings.
It’s also important to accept that sometimes, even the best decisions don’t lead where we’d hoped. Recognizing that life is unpredictable can help you let go of self-blame and move forward with more peace. Aiming for perfection in every decision can lead to stress and regret, so try to be a “satisficer”—someone who is satisfied with a good-enough outcome. This mindset can help minimize regret and make decision-making easier.
Once we’ve learned what regret has to teach, we can start letting go of unrealistic expectations about what could have been and embrace the present. By using regret as a guide rather than a roadblock, we can make peace with our past and create a future that aligns more closely with who we are. As Leahy puts it, “Look around you at what is in the present moment and hold on to it with a warm embrace.” It’s a reminder that life, with all its twists and turns, can be deeply fulfilling—especially when we learn to accept and grow from our regrets.
